For Cubs fans looking for something to hang their bedazzled hats on, they can look to the Battle on the Benches, the Duel of the Dugouts, the Showdown of the Surname.

Mr. Hoffpauir

Mr. Hoffpauir

In the much anticipated battle of the minor leaguers stuck behind stars like Derek Lee, Milton Bradley, and the perennial All-Star Skip Schumaker, Micah Hoffpauir laid the smack down on Jarrett Hoffpauir over the weekend. ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball crew was all over the oddity of having two unrelated Hoffpauir’s in the same game, eliciting such kernels of wisdom like  “now we have Jarrett Hoffpauir up to the plate, not related to the Cubs’ Micah Hoffpauir.”  “Woah, two Hoffpauirs, that’s crazy.”

The two Hoffpauirs are mirror images of each other with Jarrett batting and throwing right handed, while the older Micah bats and throws left handed. And they’re in the same neighborhood with their height and weight. Jarrett is a strapping 5′9″ and 165 lbs, the prototypical second baseman.  Micah has had a few more trips at the major league buffet table weighing in at 185 lbs in a 6′3″ frame, which serves him well in his role bouncing between RF and 1B.

In 6 minor league seasons, Jarrett Hoffpauir hit .282 in 2,130 at bats.

In 7 minor league seasons, Micah Hoffpauir hit .290 in 2,446 at bats.

The similarities end there though with Micah having the superior power numbers (96-42 HRs)( 19-6 3Bs)(156-134 2Bs), while Jarrett showed some better plate discipline.  But this is the major leagues folks, and while Micah has been in the big show for 97 games, Jarrett has only played in 7 games for the St. Louis Cardinals. Hell, I still picture him as a Memphis Red Bird.

On the biggest stage available in the NL Central, Wrigley Field, Jarrett wowed the crowd making efficient use of his five plate appearances, churning out one walk, one strikeout and working the Cubs pitching staff for a whopping 18 pitches. That’s over 3 pitches per plate appearance! I saw some extra bags of ice on the arms of Randy Wells and Carlos Zambrano last night.

Micah, on the other hand, showed Tony LaRussa who truly was the boss, in his 9 plate appearances. He had 2 hits (a double and a home run), a walk, three RBI, two runs, and one strikeout. 28 pitches were thrown Micah’s way over the 3-day series.  Welcome to the DL Cardinals pitching staff!

While Micah won the battle of the back-ups this weekend, the big winner in this Melee of Mediocrity, was the best “Hoff” of them all… David Hasselhoff.

The Hoff

If you really expect me to write anything serious about the Cubs, you’ve got another thing coming.  I’m too busy trying to think of ways to support my team’s bottom line so we can actually afford Roy Halladay.