Typically, there isn’t anything to chuckle about when it comes to armed robbery unless you’re talking about a dumb criminal story or the victim comes out unscathed and has done something ridiculous.  Well the recent alleged incident involving three Vols football players is full of win.

First, the players rob some guy at a convenience store at gunpoint wearing their Tennessee football gear.  Always the great ambassadors for the university.  So the players are idiots and will undoubtedly be kicked off the team, which is quite a feat in the SEC by the way. 

This is where the victim picks up the ball and takes it in for six.  Corey Zickefoose is the 20-year-old that had the pleasure of a gun in his face during the heist.  To say he is a die-hard Vol fan would be an epic low-balling of the situation.  Check out his quotable material:

Corey Zickefoose: I think they should still be able to play football, regardless. Tennessee is my place. You know, it’s my football team.

Reporter: Even after they put a gun in your face, you say let them play football?

Corey Zickefoose: Yeah. It’s Tennessee. That’s the way it is sometimes.

Of course, it’s Tennessee, where sometimes, that’s the way it is.  I think this is a good time for some self assessment.  The best time for self assessment is when someone does or says something outlandishly idiotic; woo, self esteem.  So, if I was held at gunpoint by Tate Forcier, would I want him kicked off the team?  Absolutely.  Whew!  Though there is a better than slight chance that any Wolverine would bungle the operation entirely anyway.

Anyway, this kid is obviously awesome and you can get further proof by checking out some video at Dr. Saturday.  I’m not positive, but if you substitute Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls, Stormin’ Norman, and modify the accent to something not so southern, the quotes from the victim may still be very believable.

The hits keep coming nearly every time the guy gets in front of a microphone, he’s like an organized Kanye West, with a worse head coaching record.  Well, your worst fears have come true Chicago fans, Kiffin is coming for you and you don’t have a chance at bedding his hot wife. 

Kiffin on Bears quarterback Jay Cutler: “Cutler?  Yeah, I tried to get him to sign with the Vols when he left Denver, but apparently the SEC frowns upon that kind of thing. What a mistake that would have been, guy’s a real piece of work.  Did you know that prick got some kind of disease because he went to Vanderbilt?”  When asked about Cutler’s success so early in his career Kiffin responded “I had twice as good of an NFL career.”  Kiffin never played in the NFL.

On the Chicago White Sox: “Their manager–you know, that black guy–is awful.  Their GM sucks too.  I didn’t want to go public with this, but there were some major recruiting violations when they got that Peavy guy.” 

Blackhawks:  “Come on, hockey?  So gay.  I know I’ll have to apologize for that later, but seriously.”

Chicago Cubs: “Embarrassing team.  I thought Al Davis and the Raiders had it bad.  I’d love to bring my Vols to Wrigley and sing Rocky Top all night long after we beat them.  Yeah, in baseball.  Ryan Theriot told me once I looked a lot like Seth Rogen, but not so much after he lost weight, and I’m going to kick his ass for that.  Kiffin, out!”