Lane Kiffin leaves Tennessee for USC, public eats him.  Wow, I hate Lane Kiffin but things really got kicked up a notch when he left UT for the left coast and USC.  Students put on a “riot” that an average Michigan State student would have slept through, the media wrote some scathing pieces, and they drew dongs on rocks!  Still more perplexing than all of that was the choice by Southern Cal to stick it to the NCAA and hire Kiffin.  The NCAA already denied the Trojans request to self-impose sanctions (a bad sign for USC) and they hire a guy who committed a handful of violations in a very public manner during his first year as a college head coach.  Predictable?  No.  But, perfect match?  Well, no.

David Backes is an American hero.  In case you don’t know who that is, Backes is a forward for the St. Louis Blues and was recently selected to represent the U.S. in Vancouver on the olympic hockey team.  The Canadians are the team to beat in the tournament and the US of A will be fortunate to medal, so Backes is taking to intimidation to level the ice.  In the first five games since the team was announced, Backes has been in five games and gotten in three fights… all against Canadian olympians.  First he gave Chicago’s own Jonathan Toews a beating, then took on Corey Perry of the Ducks, and finally Rick Nash of the Columbus Blue Jackets.  Keep it going David!

He was who we thought he was! Mark McGwire admitted to steroid use during his career and in particular in his record-breaking season where he hugged the Maris family a lot.  By now if you suspect someone of steroids use, just assume they did it.  An interesting issue in all of this is Tony LaRussa’s role.  As a professional coach do you have the obligation to look into something if you suspect foul play?  I guess it’s plausible he didn’t notice, what with the passing out in cars and such.

Agent Zero charged with felony gun possession.  More like felony FUN possession, amirite?  No, not really.  This was idiotic from the beginning.  NBA players and their affinity for guns did some warping of my mind apparently.  I just thought to myself, “they should really be counselling pro athletes on how not to be batshit crazy when handling their guns,” instead of “what’s with all these athletes owning so many guns?!”  Anyway, Gilbert could be facing some serious time–like Plaxico time– all over a prank.  Might want to rethink that C-4 prank you were going to play on me Stormin’ Norman.

Barkley was on SNL.  While being generally robotic and goofy-looking, I thought Charles was pretty funny.  Here’s a good skit.

“I like my sex life,” Grace said. “I want to be able to perform. It’s kind of funny, but it’s not. That stuff will tear you up as far as your manhood is concerned.”

Grace also offered up his thoughts about the BS that McGwire spewed and thoughts on Sosa’s corked bat incident:

Grace didn’t buy McGwire’s line that steroids didn’t help him hit home runs. “That’s a baloney cop-out,” Grace said.

Grace also talked about Sammy Sosa’s corked bat: “You know what bat you’re taking up to the plate. Pitchers know what bat they’re taking up to the plate. That’s a little more baloney.”

I wish that Gracie would come back and join the Cubs organization in some capacity, hopefully this will happen down the road.  I also want #17 retired – Grace is a true Cub hero and deserves the honor.

“Get off my yard you goddamn kids!  I know you’re all hopped up on goofballs!  Where’s Zambrano?  He’s supposed to mow my lawn!”

I was unlike most fans.  While I suspected everyone and believed pretty much any wild allegations, be it hard test results or wild Canseco allegations, I still felt that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t everyone.  Maybe it was just a few bad apples, or a lot of bad apples.  But I never just assumed everyone did it.  My example of that was Sammy Sosa.  How foolish of me, right?  Well there was never any hard evidence of steroid use by Sosa beyond a few douchebag Sox and Cardinal fans claiming his head looked bigger.  As opposed to the allegations of some bigger stars, no steroid finger-pointing at Sosa seemed to stick, until now that is.

Ok I know you’re all thinking that I am naive, and you know what?  You’re right.  I think I just wanted to believe so bad that my personal hero from the juiced era of my childhood was somehow above the rest.  In fact, I was so willing to pull a blindfold over my eyes, that this piece is actually a replacement for a piece I had drafted up about how the Cubs should retire Sosa’s number.

So while the rest of America has accepted that their heroes were nothing but phonies for the last 20 years, and has perhaps come to grips with it, I am just now feeling it hit home.  This is the first big steroid scandal in Chicago, since no other notable players on either team have been implicated up to this point.  How do we as Chicago baseball fans deal with the steroid controversy, now that it is a part of our personal baseball history as well?

I guess I’m arriving to the discussion late, but what does this mean for the Hall of Fame?  The record books?  Will Sosa be remembered as the greatest baseball player in Chicago history, or just another cheat from the steroid era?  Only time will tell, but on a personal level the betrayal cuts deep and we can’t pretend it doesn’t exist any longer.

It’s not like he had a bad April either, going .317/.374/.378.  While that slugging percentage is a bit low, his job is to get on base and he is doing fantastic in that department.  On top of that, his TOOTBLANs are way down, seeing as that he has stolen 6 bases in only 8 attempts.

Now the speculation that Theriot has done steroids this offseason is obviously out there.  It is unfortunate that we live in a world where someone cannot just play well for a stretch without coming under suspicion, but that is just the way the game is now.

Bob Brenly, however, would like to posit a different theory.  As I was watching the Cubs broadcast last night, Brenly related a ridiculous tale speculating on Theriot’s recent surge.  It went something like this:

I remember way back when Sandberg was with the Cubs.  Jim Frey told Ryno “you should try to hit for more power, you’re not just a singles hitter.”  And Ryno said ok.  And do you know what happened?  He started hitting all those home runs.  This power surge by Theriot reminds me of that.  Someone must have told Ryan to start hitting the ball harder, and it looks like he listened.

Now that’s not an exact transcript of Brenly’s comments, but its close.  I choose to believe Bob’s folksy wisdom.  Better that then having to deal with the dark cloud of steroids everytime anyone does anything good on the diamond.

h/t for the picture: Bleacher Nation via Cubs Brickyard

“Well, whatever Ozzie says, that should be what we should do.”

Obviously that comment was meant sarcastically, and Ozzie did not take too kindly to it.  Unfortunately deciphering Ozzie-speak is a little difficult, but let’s give it a try:

“He should say at least a little, ‘Thank you Ozzie,’ ” Guillen said, when asked about Lilly’s Friday “Sure, I wouldn’t mind [seeing Ozzie]” comments to reporters.

When asked why a thank you, it was classic Guillen:

“Because of what I was doing when guys were making $60,000 and $70,000 a year and now they’re making $10 million,” Guillen said. “Back when meal money was [bleepin] $10 a day and now it’s $80.”

Hmmm, I think Ozzie is trying to say that the union should thank players like Ozzie for making less money, but I’m unclear exactly how his point is relevant to the discussion.  Don’t worry though, he expanded on that odd, nonsensical statement in response to a reporter’s question that Lilly wants Ozzie to soften his stance on steroids:

“No, no, I no need to talk to him, why?” Guillen said. “I’ve got my opinion, he’s got his. I respect his opinion, I hope he respects mine. There’s one thing about it, when you’re a manager or when you’re a coach, baseball players think you’re a piece of [crap]. They forgot we played. We spent a lot of time, spent a lot of money in the Players Association.”

‘Ozzie’s crazy,’ but some people don’t like the truth. Some people can’t handle the truth. The only thing I said is, ‘Well, if we want to get this thing done and show people we really care about this, we have to be more drastic.’

“I’m not the only one to say that. Cal Ripken said that, Tony Gwynn said that, ‘Big Papi’ said that, all of a sudden they can talk and I can’t? … If people don’t like my answers, don’t read it, don’t listen to it.”

Ok, I don’t remember Lilly saying anything about any of this.  A slight overreaction?  Perhaps, or perhaps crazy Ozzie knows something we don’t.  Wait, but why should Lilly apologize to Ozzie again?  What a bully and an #%$hole.

“My first thought was: ‘I wonder who’s going to be the first one to shoot him,’ ” Kittle said Monday. “I still think somebody who might have had their life ruined might take vengeance on him. If I were [Canseco], I would think about that.

“But I was more scared of my father than I was of anything else. I thought that if I did something stupid, my father would probably take my life away anyway.”

Wow, that’s dark Ronnie.  I get what he’s saying though, there are probably plenty of people who want to go after Jose for all the trouble he has caused.  Here are five guys that Jose should be on the lookout for:

1. A-Rod- Obviously, the golden boy and fan favorite to break Barry’s home run record has a bone to pick with Canseco.  When Jose first accused him, it was very surprising, but turns out he was right on the mark.  Plus, I could see Madonna figuring into this somehow; probably convincing A-Rod to do it so she can run off with Jeter…or Joba.
2. Mark McGwire- The ex-bash brother came out of the steroid hearings as the shadiest player that we could actually understand.  Big Mac would get the job done by luring Canseco, who can’t possibly have any friends, with an offer of reuniting, then go for the kill.  No chance he beats the rap though, since we know how terrible he comes off in a courtroom setting.
3. Jason Giambi- Giambi was riding high after he made a name for himself in Oakland, then came to New York.  Jose named him and things went to hell, making Giambi one of the most prominent scapegoats for Selig’s tacit support of steroids use.  Of course, Giambi has since become a master of disguise, with the facial hair, something he is sure to use in the crime.
4. Bud Selig- Selig, a killer?  Impossible!  That’s what Bud has on his side though, the element of surprise.  Plus, you know Bud can just send one of his minions to kill Jose; he’s the second most mob-connected commish in sports behind David Stern.  You know that Selig hates Canseco for telling the truth (or at least some of it) about the extent of steroids use.
5. David Eckstein- We’re still watching you, you crazy midget!  You’re not fooling us.

Hopefully Kittle is wrong about his concerns for Canseco’s life, but if he’s not these guys will be among the first interviewed.  Well, them and whoever that guy in the picture with him up there is.

Greg Maddux- Maddux won about 3 million games in his career and for an extended period was the most dominant pitcher in the game, without an overpowering fastball.  Maddux was great because he was a genius when it came to mixing up the pitches and hitting his spots (even if they were six inches off the plate).  Even Steve Stone would be predicting a curve when Maddux would throw that 92 MPH fastball by a batter.  If it came out that he did PEDs, you have to ask yourself if there was room for anyone to succeed without them.

Derek Jeter- All of us Yankee haters might not identify with this right away, but this is an important one.  Here’s a guy we admire because of how well he plays the game.  While he hasn’t been amazing recently, he’s the guy that can be spectacular, while at the same time not making mistakes.  Much like Maddux, it was the mental aspect that seems to give Jeter the edge.  He’s cool under pressure and has the presence of mind to make plays like the amazing late cut-off against the A’s.  Derek Jeter doesn’t need steroids.  Right? I guess he could always blame a positive test on his herpes medicine. Boom, roasted.

Ken Griffey Jr.- Oh, please no.  Junior is a lock for this list.  He’s the highest home run hitter with no suspicion and a positive test would have the effect of invalidating the entire era of home runs in the record books.  Griffey exploded onto the scene with his athleticism and that sweet swing.  We need those things to be the reason for his numbers, not steroids.  Griffey is our proof that pure home run hitters still exist.  Plus, he’s too fun to take steroids with the jokes and backwards hat at the all-star games.  In my generation, this is the first home run type icon I watched throughout his career, so a positive test would be devastating.

Cal Ripken Jr.- So far I could see any of these guys doing the most damage to baseball, but Cal Ripken Jr. might take the cake.  Griffey and some of the others have implications on home runs, but Ripken leads the crew that would just be awful for baseball as a whole.  Ripken’s run to the most consecutive games played is one of my fondest baseball memories and he’s just such a great ambassador for the game that a positive test would cause me to question other things, like gravity and whether certain countries really exist.

Frank Thomas, Albert Pujols, and David Ortiz- I’m going to group these guys, despite the age gap with Thomas in relation to the other two.  I would throw Thome and Ryan Howard in this group as well.  We’re talking about guys that are just plain huge.  A positive test here makes you wonder whether anyone can just hit homers based on the fact that they’re as big as an aircraft carrier.  Pujols has been outstanding his entire career and has a serious shot at some records and David Ortiz has provided some of the greatest baseball moments in recent memory with his late game heroics in the playoffs.  Thomas fits into the Griffey category as well, as the Big Hurt was a fan favorite and one of the first iconic home run guys of our generation.

Pedro Martinez and Mariano Rivera- Martinez was absolutely dominant in the 90’s.  This is amazing when you think of how widespread steroids were among batters at the time.  The 1999 All-Star game was a good example mentioned in the FanHouse post, when Pedro struck out five of the six batters he faced in two innings.  Mo Rivera was just as dominant as Pedro.  Aside from a couple of post-season stumbles, when Rivera came in the game, you knew it was over.  His cutter is still one of the most dominant pitches in the game.  Here are a couple of pitchers that owned roided up batters throughout their careers and it would be a shame to realize that they needed some juice to accomplish that.

Tim Lincecum and Evan Longoria- I get what they’re doing here, putting these two on the list.  Tim and Evan are young prospects that have shown they have promise.  They can be the foundation of a clean game going forward.  Lincecum is simply too tiny to be roided up apparently, his laser fastball a result of a slingshotting delivery.  Longoria has shown he has power as well, and we can only hope that it isn’t a result of PEDs.  Obviously there are plenty of players you can add in this category, depending on who turns out to be the face of the game in the next ten years.

So that’s the entire list from FanHouse.  Overall, it’s hard to disagree.  One point that I take away from it is that I, along with many others, may have overlooked the impact that a positive test on Maddux or Ripken would have on the game.  To this point, the only guys we seem to care about are the home run hitters.  What would the impact be of the pure baseball players?  What about Ichiro?  The steroids debate and fallout will continue ad nauseum for the foreseeable future, but this is a good list of guys we hope stay out of the discussion.  What do you think and who did they miss?