For Cubs fans looking for something to hang their bedazzled hats on, they can look to the Battle on the Benches, the Duel of the Dugouts, the Showdown of the Surname.

Mr. Hoffpauir

Mr. Hoffpauir

In the much anticipated battle of the minor leaguers stuck behind stars like Derek Lee, Milton Bradley, and the perennial All-Star Skip Schumaker, Micah Hoffpauir laid the smack down on Jarrett Hoffpauir over the weekend. ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball crew was all over the oddity of having two unrelated Hoffpauir’s in the same game, eliciting such kernels of wisdom like  “now we have Jarrett Hoffpauir up to the plate, not related to the Cubs’ Micah Hoffpauir.”  “Woah, two Hoffpauirs, that’s crazy.”

The two Hoffpauirs are mirror images of each other with Jarrett batting and throwing right handed, while the older Micah bats and throws left handed. And they’re in the same neighborhood with their height and weight. Jarrett is a strapping 5′9″ and 165 lbs, the prototypical second baseman.  Micah has had a few more trips at the major league buffet table weighing in at 185 lbs in a 6′3″ frame, which serves him well in his role bouncing between RF and 1B.

In 6 minor league seasons, Jarrett Hoffpauir hit .282 in 2,130 at bats.

In 7 minor league seasons, Micah Hoffpauir hit .290 in 2,446 at bats.

The similarities end there though with Micah having the superior power numbers (96-42 HRs)( 19-6 3Bs)(156-134 2Bs), while Jarrett showed some better plate discipline.  But this is the major leagues folks, and while Micah has been in the big show for 97 games, Jarrett has only played in 7 games for the St. Louis Cardinals. Hell, I still picture him as a Memphis Red Bird.

On the biggest stage available in the NL Central, Wrigley Field, Jarrett wowed the crowd making efficient use of his five plate appearances, churning out one walk, one strikeout and working the Cubs pitching staff for a whopping 18 pitches. That’s over 3 pitches per plate appearance! I saw some extra bags of ice on the arms of Randy Wells and Carlos Zambrano last night.

Micah, on the other hand, showed Tony LaRussa who truly was the boss, in his 9 plate appearances. He had 2 hits (a double and a home run), a walk, three RBI, two runs, and one strikeout. 28 pitches were thrown Micah’s way over the 3-day series.  Welcome to the DL Cardinals pitching staff!

While Micah won the battle of the back-ups this weekend, the big winner in this Melee of Mediocrity, was the best “Hoff” of them all… David Hasselhoff.

The Hoff

If you really expect me to write anything serious about the Cubs, you’ve got another thing coming.  I’m too busy trying to think of ways to support my team’s bottom line so we can actually afford Roy Halladay.

Did you follow all that?  Let me fill in the blanks for you.  The shitty utility guy is Aaron Miles, and the great hitter from the minors is Jake Fox.  I mean based on that story, the logical thing to do when Miles comes back is to send down Andres Blanco or Bobby Scales, or maybe let Miles go altogether (or send him down, I’m not sure if they can do that though).  Right?  Right? Nope.

After [Tuesday's] game, Jake Fox was optioned to Triple-A Iowa to make room for infielder Aaron Miles.

Coming from the team that kept Hoffpauir in the minors for about 3 years too long, and still keeps him on the bench far more than he should be, this should come as no surprise.  Unfortunately the Cubs can ill-afford to play these games giving at-bats to seasoned veterans that can’t hit a grapefruit off a tee as opposed to young players that continue to tear the cover off the ball (see: Koyie Hill, Jake Fox, Micah Hoffpauir).

Of course none of this would matter if $39 million dollars (Lee, Bradley, and Soriano) would just start hitting.  Until then, get Fox, Hoffpauir and Hill in the goddamn lineup.

• Where are Hoffpauir and Koyie Hill?  They got the start last night and it paid off, but Lou needs to go with the hot (or even lukewarm) bat at this point.  I know Soto and Lee are team leaders, but if they aren’t hitting and the team isn’t scoring runs, its time to make a change.
• Hey Milton Bradley: Shut up.  I’m not saying you’re wrong, in fact you are totally right.  Everyone knows the umps are calling a bigger strike zone for you.  They do it because they don’t like you.  You know what won’t make them like you?  Publicly bitching about the strike zone they are calling for you.
• Is it really time to hit the panic button?  Because if it is, the Cubs should consider two guys that are raking down in the minors.  Jake Fox and Josh Vitters are crushing the ball down on the farm, so why not bring one or both of them up?  I know that would mean we would have to send someone down, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
• If you didn’t see the Harden DL thing coming, you are blind or retarded.
• Someone take Neal Cotts out behind a shed and put a bullet in him.  That guy is just terrible.  I don’t care if we don’t have any lefties, I’m sure there are righties in the pen with better ERAs against lefties than Cotts.  Well I’m not completely sure, but Cotts sucks.  Send his ass down.  I wish we had another starter so we could move Marshall to the bullpen.  Jake Peavy anyone?
• Ok this is a little out there, but did anyone consider moving Soriano to 2nd base and giving Reed Johnson and Micah Hoffpauir some more ABs in the outfield?  I know Fonzy is sub-par defensively, but runs are hard to come by these days.
• Lou Piniella is a great manager.  I mean I love the guy.  I don’t agree with every decision he makes, but he is usually good at managing and motivating his players and he seems to have a pretty good understanding of the game.  That being said, this recent quote from him has got to be a joke:

Modern technology is a wonderful thing for 21st Century baseball managers, who have computerized scouting reports and stats at their fingertips at all times. But sometimes older is better, and after watching his players go back to the video room one too many times to replay poor at-bats, manager Lou Piniella is ready to put his foot down.

“We’ve talked about closing down the video [room],” Piniella said. “But what happens invariably is the pitching coach will go down there from time to time, and so will the hitting coach.

“But if we have to, we’ll close it down for the players, at least during the game. Visualization is a great tool. But at the same time, boy, visualize good things. Don’t keep putting bad pictures in your mind.”

That sort of has a Dusty Baker ring to it, doesn’t it?

• This isn’t really related to the Cubs play on the field, but have you seen the new hats the Cubs are selling?  I think these goofy hats have gone a bit too far.  Apparently it is called the “Watermelon Smoothie“.  I mean the baseball gods cannot be happy about this kind of thing, can they?
• If you would have told me Kosuke Fukudome would be the only Cub hitting over .300 on May 27, I would have laughed and asked you if you drank the acid-laced punch.  Well here we are, and lost in all this horrible horrible shitty 8-game losing streak has been Kosuke’s resurgence this season.  His home run last night wasn’t bad either.
• Is Aramis Ramirez the glue in this Cubs lineup?  I mean ever since he went down it’s like no one can seem to hit.  I’m not sure what his clubhouse presence is like, but just having him in the lineup seems to make the other players around him better.  Hurry back Rammy!

Also, Koyie Hill, who is a very good catcher defensively and can even hit, has won the battle for back up catcher.  He beat out Crappy McCrap (Paul Bako), who was given a second chance with the Cubs.  He hit .231 this spring going into his 4-4 performance last week against Oakland.  Good riddance Paulie!

Here is the official press release from the Cubbies:

MESA, Ariz. — Koyie Hill and Micah Hoffpauir have both made the Cubs’ Opening Day roster. Paul Bako and Mike Stanton are looking for jobs.

The Cubs announced Monday they have released Bako and Stanton. The moves trim the spring roster to 28, which includes 15 pitchers, two catchers, six infielders and five outfielders.

Hill has been battling back from a chainsaw injury two seasons ago that cost him 3 fingers (don’t worry, they were re-attached).  He is finally going to get a legit shot to stick on this Cubs roster and he has earned it by hitting well at AAA last season and again in camp this spring.

Catchers:

Geovany Soto: Soto is only 2-4 this spring and hasn’t played since February 27th since he joined the Puerto Rican team for the World Baseball Classic.  He is a lock to be the starter on opening day.

Paul Bako: Surprise surprise, Bako is 3-15 and hasn’t shown anything so far.  For some reason he is the front-runner for the backup catcher spot, but if he keeps this up he may lose the job to Hill.

Koyie Hill: He is 5-14 with 2 doubles.  He is hitting very well right now and he has called decent games behind the plate.  That being said he is going to have to really catch fire to unseat Bako.

Infielders:

Derrek Lee: Lee traditionally takes a bit to heat up, and it appears this year is no different.  He is hitting .211 so far but don’t worry about D-Lee.

Aramis Ramirez: He is hitting .317 and has a homer and 2 doubles already.  As long as he stays healthy, for the stretch run, the Cubbies are set at 3rd base.

Micah Hoffpauir: I want Hoffpauir on this team so bad.  The guy can flat out rake and has done it at every level.  He has 2 homeruns already and has a slugging % of .541.  Wow.  I know first base and right field aren’t immediate needs, but a bat like this can always come in handy.

Jake Fox: There just aren’t enough roster spots and if he can’t beat out Micah, they probably both won’t make the squad.  That being said he’s slugging at a .571 clip and also has 2 homeruns.  These two are not making it easy on Lou, but in a good way.

Ryan Theriot: The Riot is seeing the ball very well this spring.  He is 10-21 and has drawn a few walks.  Ideally he would lead off this year, but regardless he will be the starting shortstop.  Oh and he swiped a base on Sunday, though he had his first tootblan already and there are surely more to come.

Mike Fontenot: Were you worried he would lose the second base starting spot to Aaron Miles?  Well don’t.  He is hitting .367 with 3 doubles, 2 triples and even has 2 home runs.  He has the hottest bat in Mesa right now.  We need this lefty in the lineup and hopefully he can keep it up.

Aaron Miles: He has done nothing to impress so far.  His .222 average may keep him off the team altogether, although his purported “versatility” may still allow him to squeak onto the bench.

Luis Rivas: He needs a big spring to make the 25 man roster, and so far it hasn’t gone that way.  He has 4 hits in 19 at bats.  Meh.

Corey Koskie: Has yet to play a game.

Outfielders:

Milton Bradley: He’s 3/11 and has been bothered by a few minor things.  We know this guy can hit, I think what people are more concerned about is his health.  He seems to be ok after a minor pull and a cold early on.

Kosuke Fukudome: He has yet to join the team but he is drawing walks and playing great defense as usual for Japan in the WBC.

Alfonso Soriano: He is only hitting .167 so far but he does have 2 homeruns.  Fonzy will heat up, he’s a very streaky hitter.  Another person who’s health we have to keep an eye on though.  And the whole “I’m going to steal bases again” thing?  0-0 so far on stolen base tries.

Reed Johnson: Reed hasn’t done anything spectacular but he is a lock to be this team’s 4th outfielder.  He is very reliable and a Lou favorite.  Expect to see him on the team come April.

Joey Gathright: He hasn’t been spectacular hitting the ball, but he is managing to get on base and score runs.  He is using his speed to try to win a spot on the team.  It may work.

So Taguchi: So only has 12 at-bats and he has hits in three of them.  His use will be as a utility outfielder, but it’s nice to see him getting on base a bit with an OBP of .400.  It is too small a sample size to tell yet, but for now Gathright is winning this battle for the end of the bench by a hair (unless Lou gets wise and takes Hoffpauir).

Sam Fuld: Other than a homerun, nothing special out of Fuld.  He is a very long shot to make the team, if he even has a shot at all.

Who knows what he was thinking, but Carlos is certainly the last guy I would suggest doing that to.