Seemingly held up for weeks by bureaucratic paperwork, USC Head Coach Lane Kiffin was successful in officially relocating the douchebaggery capitol of the United States to Los Angeles on Thursday.  While the capitol had previously taken residence in the relatively modest enclave of Knoxville, Tennesse, the nation’s capitol will now be under the bright lights of Hollywood. Kiffin and his lead recruiting assistant, Ed Orgeron, diligently worked the phones over the last month or so trying to negotiate a cross-country move for the title that less than a year ago seemed to have found a permanent home in Rocky Top Country.

The final straw that convinced the country to allow the title to relocate to Southern California was the news that on Thursday Kiffin reeled in yet another football recruit.

No, this recruit will not be included in USC’s Recruiting Class of 2010, but rather the Recruiting Class of 2015. That’s right, Lane Kiffin offered a scholarship to David Sills, a 13-year-old quarterback from Delaware, and the young lad accepted.  Now, it’s ridiculous that the offer was even extended, as it is in no way binding on the kid, but it’s just weird in general. The LA Times article on the offer, allows 13-year-olds to read the comments on their website, but not to post any comments of their own.  If a kid can’t comment on a newspaper website, should they really be able to accept scholarship offers to college?  This is like saying the kid to the right just aced his times tables and the Booth School of Business has a spot in their Executive MBA program waiting for him in 2031.

While this alone should make you shake your head as to what has become of college sports recruiting, the following quote from the young quarterback should maybe alert authorities or the NCAA to grill Lane Kiffin on the recruiting techniques he used on this 13-year-old.

“I’m very excited, but I was very, very nervous. It was very cool, but my heart was beating so fast and I was scared. But after it was over, I was so excited and pumped.”

Either Sills was allowed to stay up all night and eat whatever he wanted, saw his first R-rated movie without his parents, did his first beer bong on his campus visit, got to second base with a USC Song Girl (hands on the outside of her sweater), or maybe it’s just the puberty talking. I smell an NCAA investigation in eight to nine years from now.

Hey, remember me?  No?  Okay, well since things have gotten a little busy I’ll be trying this out for a while.  Every Friday we’ll highlight five stories you should have been paying attention to during the week.

Lane Kiffin leaves Tennessee for USC, public eats him.  Wow, I hate Lane Kiffin but things really got kicked up a notch when he left UT for the left coast and USC.  Students put on a “riot” that an average Michigan State student would have slept through, the media wrote some scathing pieces, and they drew dongs on rocks!  Still more perplexing than all of that was the choice by Southern Cal to stick it to the NCAA and hire Kiffin.  The NCAA already denied the Trojans request to self-impose sanctions (a bad sign for USC) and they hire a guy who committed a handful of violations in a very public manner during his first year as a college head coach.  Predictable?  No.  But, perfect match?  Well, no.

David Backes is an American hero.  In case you don’t know who that is, Backes is a forward for the St. Louis Blues and was recently selected to represent the U.S. in Vancouver on the olympic hockey team.  The Canadians are the team to beat in the tournament and the US of A will be fortunate to medal, so Backes is taking to intimidation to level the ice.  In the first five games since the team was announced, Backes has been in five games and gotten in three fights… all against Canadian olympians.  First he gave Chicago’s own Jonathan Toews a beating, then took on Corey Perry of the Ducks, and finally Rick Nash of the Columbus Blue Jackets.  Keep it going David!

He was who we thought he was! Mark McGwire admitted to steroid use during his career and in particular in his record-breaking season where he hugged the Maris family a lot.  By now if you suspect someone of steroids use, just assume they did it.  An interesting issue in all of this is Tony LaRussa’s role.  As a professional coach do you have the obligation to look into something if you suspect foul play?  I guess it’s plausible he didn’t notice, what with the passing out in cars and such.

Agent Zero charged with felony gun possession.  More like felony FUN possession, amirite?  No, not really.  This was idiotic from the beginning.  NBA players and their affinity for guns did some warping of my mind apparently.  I just thought to myself, “they should really be counselling pro athletes on how not to be batshit crazy when handling their guns,” instead of “what’s with all these athletes owning so many guns?!”  Anyway, Gilbert could be facing some serious time–like Plaxico time– all over a prank.  Might want to rethink that C-4 prank you were going to play on me Stormin’ Norman.

Barkley was on SNL.  While being generally robotic and goofy-looking, I thought Charles was pretty funny.  Here’s a good skit.

Lane Kiffin has taken the SEC by storm since taking over as head coach of Tennessee.  Not on the field exactly, losing to Florida and starting 1-2, but off the field Kiffin is firing shots at all takers.  He accused Urban Meyer of violating NCAA rules in front of a bunch of people, violating rules himself; he told a recruit to fax his papers on signing day from somewhere other than his high school, implying that the high school was so inept they would screw it up (he’s not allowed back); and he told a recruit considering South Carolina that he would end up pumping gas if he chose the Gamecocks. 

The hits keep coming nearly every time the guy gets in front of a microphone, he’s like an organized Kanye West, with a worse head coaching record.  Well, your worst fears have come true Chicago fans, Kiffin is coming for you and you don’t have a chance at bedding his hot wife. 

Kiffin on Bears quarterback Jay Cutler: “Cutler?  Yeah, I tried to get him to sign with the Vols when he left Denver, but apparently the SEC frowns upon that kind of thing. What a mistake that would have been, guy’s a real piece of work.  Did you know that prick got some kind of disease because he went to Vanderbilt?”  When asked about Cutler’s success so early in his career Kiffin responded “I had twice as good of an NFL career.”  Kiffin never played in the NFL.

On the Chicago White Sox: “Their manager–you know, that black guy–is awful.  Their GM sucks too.  I didn’t want to go public with this, but there were some major recruiting violations when they got that Peavy guy.” 

Blackhawks:  “Come on, hockey?  So gay.  I know I’ll have to apologize for that later, but seriously.”

Chicago Cubs: “Embarrassing team.  I thought Al Davis and the Raiders had it bad.  I’d love to bring my Vols to Wrigley and sing Rocky Top all night long after we beat them.  Yeah, in baseball.  Ryan Theriot told me once I looked a lot like Seth Rogen, but not so much after he lost weight, and I’m going to kick his ass for that.  Kiffin, out!”

• The Bulls lost a ridiculous game to the Miami Heat last night.  D-Wade won it with a steal and a runner three.  That’s my favorite shot!  [ESPN]
• The Big Ten handed out its postseason awards last night.  Travis Walton beat out Chester Frazier for Defensive Player of the Year.  Travesty!  Some Illini got recognition though.  [Big Ten Network]
• Deng saw a specialist yesterday and received “encouraging” news, but will miss at least two more weeks.  [Sun-Times]
• New Blackhawk Samuel Pahlsson skated before the Hawks loss to Colorado and said he could be back in a week or so.  That’s great news amid a couple of bad losses.  [Tribune]
• Some guy got fired by the Eagles for calling them “retarted” on his facebook page.  Hitler approves.  [Slow Breaker]
• Milton Bradley gives some quotes that make Cubs fans nervous.  He certainly has some issues.  [Zoner Sports]
• Lane Kiffin keeps on bringing the awesome.  This time he seems to have told a recruit that if the kid went to South Carolina he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life.  [FanHouse]
• Hugging Harold Reynolds gets ready for the Big East Tournament by chronicling some of the best trios of past Big East teams.  [HHR]