The hits keep coming nearly every time the guy gets in front of a microphone, he’s like an organized Kanye West, with a worse head coaching record.  Well, your worst fears have come true Chicago fans, Kiffin is coming for you and you don’t have a chance at bedding his hot wife. 

Kiffin on Bears quarterback Jay Cutler: “Cutler?  Yeah, I tried to get him to sign with the Vols when he left Denver, but apparently the SEC frowns upon that kind of thing. What a mistake that would have been, guy’s a real piece of work.  Did you know that prick got some kind of disease because he went to Vanderbilt?”  When asked about Cutler’s success so early in his career Kiffin responded “I had twice as good of an NFL career.”  Kiffin never played in the NFL.

On the Chicago White Sox: “Their manager–you know, that black guy–is awful.  Their GM sucks too.  I didn’t want to go public with this, but there were some major recruiting violations when they got that Peavy guy.” 

Blackhawks:  “Come on, hockey?  So gay.  I know I’ll have to apologize for that later, but seriously.”

Chicago Cubs: “Embarrassing team.  I thought Al Davis and the Raiders had it bad.  I’d love to bring my Vols to Wrigley and sing Rocky Top all night long after we beat them.  Yeah, in baseball.  Ryan Theriot told me once I looked a lot like Seth Rogen, but not so much after he lost weight, and I’m going to kick his ass for that.  Kiffin, out!”

CUBS

• Soriano had a great game, launching the second pitch into the stands.  Maybe this guy will be okay hitting leadoff.
• 2-3-4 (Fukudome, Lee, Bradley) in the order looked terrible, going a combined 0-9 with a walk.
• Fontenot looks amazing, he made great contact all day and it showed with a 3 for 4 performance.  Mark DeWho?
• My personal “Bradley Injury Scare” count is up to 2 already.  He rolled his ankle trotting to first base and he misplayed a ball in the outfield terribly and came crashing down on his shoulder/head.  Take deep breaths Cubs fans.
• Soto threw someone out! (barely)
• Zambrano didn’t throw a perfect game, but he looked very good.  Heilman came in and got a big double-play.  Marmol’s slider looked filthy.  Gregg made things a little bumpy, but got the save.  Someone told me Gregg is a “fly-ball” pitcher.  I’m sure that will be fun to watch all season. (“Honey!  Get my heart medicine!”)
• Did Fukudome work on his swing at all this off-season?  He was flailing at garbage and hitting weak grounders.
• Ramirez hit a bomb and was grinning ear-to-ear in the dugout afterwards.

Around the League

• The White Sox may have set the record for “Best Weather to Cancel a Game in”.
• It looks like K-Rod will be handling the New York media just fine.  Especially if he keeps throwing those filthy pitches.
• What’s with aces getting lit up yesterday? Cliff Lee, Brandon Webb and (gulp) C.C. Sabathia all looked terrible.
• Ok so some nobody named Emilio Bonifacio went 4-5 with a HR and 3 steals for the Marlins yesterday.  How the f#$% was this guy already picked up in my fantasy league by 6 pm?
• Who would have thought the Seattle-Minnesota game would be interesting?  Not only did Felix Hernandez dominate, but Griffey hit a home run.  For Seattle.  I love that he’s back in Seattle, that swing somehow looks even sweeter in an M’s jersey.  I feel like its 1998.  Let’s go play Super Nintendo while mom makes us some pizza rolls.
• The Tigers have some serious pitching issues.
• Speaking of pitching issues, what’s the deal in Oakland?  The only guy I’ve heard of is Dana Eveland, but is he even that good?  Some guy named Braden pitched for them yesterday, and he looked okay I guess.
• The NY Times are picking the Royals to win the AL Central.  God that division sucks.

It’s a new year for everyone.  From the Cubs down to the lowly Mariners every team is undefeated right now.  I can’t wait to smell the green grass of Wrigley and hear the first crack of a wooden bat smashing a ball over the bleachers.

And to the White Sox fans that have their opener pushed back: Don’t worry, you just have one more day to wait.

BASEBALL!!!!