Say what you will about the FIFA World Cup or the sport of soccer, but their fans truly know how to motivate their favorite players and energize a nation. Recently two sexpots have offered their services if their team wins the World Cup.

Paraguayan Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme vowed to run naked through the streets if her country won (they’ve already lost, but she said she would do it anyway) and, most recently, porn star Bobbi Eden tweeted she would provide oral pleasure to all her Twitter followers if her native country, the Netherlands, wins big on the international stage. Now, the pure logistics of giving a blowjob to, at last count, 23,000 followers dispersed throughout the world is pretty daunting, but I am sure the promise will be fulfilled, at the very least, for the entire roster of the Dutch national football team.

How is this Chicago news or related to Chicago sports in the least? Well, I am sure it would easy to convince a particularly devoted group of bleacher babes to make a similar promise. Really, with all the talent on this team, all they need is a little TLC to turn things around, right?

Now, the definition of prostitution is defined by Dictionary.com as “the act or practice of engaging in sexual intercourse for money.” Since there would be no money exchanged or any exchange of real definable commodity, I think this would work.

Just to be sure, all that has to be done is the mayor and city council approve a law permitting prostitution in a highly regulated environment, say the Chicago Cubs locker room at Wrigley Field. Now, while NOW or some organization claiming to champion family morality is busy challenging the law in the appeals court (where they will win), a group of bleacher babes is chosen by the fans and this group offers various sexual acts in exchange for a NL Central title.

The downfall here is that these might be the same girls who would willingly give it up without any promise of fielding an actual winning baseball team. So, instead somebody “donates” season Cubs bleachers tickets to this group of girls as incentive for them to keep their True Blue Virginity until the season is over.

Last week we weighed in on the NBA Finals and US vs Slovenia.  I was really hoping for a better performance out of Kobe, but the Lakers still came away with the win.  The United States were robbed of a winning strike due to some unknown call.  However, that will all be forgotten due to yesterday’s heroics.  This week we take a look at another soccer game as well as the 4th game of the Crosstown Classic.

Friday 6/25 – Group G: Game Portugal vs. Brazil – 9 am

• StevieY19 (31-17) Brazil over Portugal: Portugal can pass Brazil to win the group and avoid the likely match-up with Spain in the first round of the knockout stage, but Brazil is just too good. Even without Kaka, Brazil have more setup men than Portugal and in Luis Fabiano they have a world class finisher. Brazil wins and delays its match-up with Spain until the final.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (16-12) Brazil over Portugal: I’ve been saying a South American country will win this cup. Brazil is a favorite and has too much firepower to fall flat against their Portuguese counterparts/rivals.
• Player to be Named Later (12-10) Brazil over Portugal: Going into the World Cup, Brazil was ranked #1 by FIFA and Portugal was ranked #3.  You don’t see a matchup like this very often in the group stage.  Both these teams will be looking to avoid Spain, who have some work to do of their own.  I predicted Brazil to win the whole Cup, so I am not going to pick against them here.
• South Side Sheik (25-23) Portugal over Brazil: I’d actually prefer to give this a draw, but I’ll choose Portugal. They’ve been pretty good defensively and both teams will be playing hard since whomever loses or finishes second will likely have to face Spain in the next round. Since Kaka will be sitting this game out with his red card from the Ivory Coast match and Luis Fabiano won’t get away with any double handball goals this time around, I give the edge to Portugal.
• Stormin Norman (24-24) Brazil over Portugal: I’m not sure how good Portugal is, but doesn’t Brazil have some of the greatest players in the world, including the greatly-named Kaka?  If I’ve heard of a player on your team, I’m going to pick you.  Brazil wins -3 to -5.  They need to do something about the low scoring.

Friday 6/25 – Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) vs. Chicago White Sox (Peavy) – 3:05 pm

• StevieY19 (31-17) Sox over Cubs: The Sox are on some kind of tear as of late and the Cubs, well they have been on another kind of tear for most of the season. You throw the records out, as they say, in these games and I’m sure the Cubs would like to.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (16-12) Sox over Cubs: Peavy is heating up and finally living up to the hype. I could see him blanking the offensively challenged Cubs. Plus, the Sox have garnered a lot of momentum from their hot bats this past month.
• Player to be Named Later (12-10) Cubs over Sox:  The Sox have been rolling and they are playing at home.  I don’t really have a good reason to pick the Cubs.  Oh well, baseball predictions are funny like that.
• South Side Sheik (25-23) Sox over Cubs: The Sox have some major momentum right now, and they’ve been feasting on the National League. I do worry about Peavy’s shoulder since he was close to the disabled list and then labored through a complete game shutout. Who knows how he’ll bounce back?! I do know that Vizquel is crafty and Konerko and Quentin are starting to hit with men on base and that is dangerous for opponents.
• Stormin Norman (24-24) Cubs over Sox: Peavy is good, and the Sox are hot, but something tells me the Cubs will pull this one off.  Zambrano usually pitches well leading up to the break and melts down in August.  This is such a homer pick it almost hurts me to make it.

Lolla Song of the Week – “Night by Night” by Chromeo.  Two hip guys from Montreal.  One of them is the brother of a fairly well known DJ named A-Trak, who is Kanye West’s personel touring DJ.  Have at it.

Well, since the USA-England match ended in a draw (luckily, which is essentially a win for the US) I’m not going to count it in the Sportsbook standings.  It would just look sloppy.  Everybody except for Stormnin Norman picked the Celtics to win Game 4 of the NBA Finals.  There’s a reason why he is in last.  For your online sports betting this week, we take a look at the next USA match and game 7 of the NBA finals.  Good stuff.

Thursday 6/17 Game 7 NBA Finals Boston Celtics @ LA Lakers – 8 PM

• StevieY19 (30-17) Lakers over Celtics: Shocker, this one went seven games. I’ll take Kobe to win the title. Let me know what happens.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (16-11) Celtics over Lakers: The staples center will be rowdy but the Celts should still manage to play lights out defense. I picked the Lake Show to win it all in May, but as I have mentioned many times, the mean green has won me a lot of money this playoffs. Ray ray has been cold; he’s due for a performance more like game 2 then games 3 and 4.
• South Side Sheik (25-22) Celtics over Lakers: Every Celtic player has his knees drained for that added boost, Big Baby’s drool overpowers Pau Gasol’s perma-sheen of sweat, and still the game will be close to the end. No blowouts for this last game. Chalk this up to my Eastern Conference bias.
• Player to be Named Later (11-10) Lakers over Celtics:  I picked them to win at the beginning of the series and I’m sticking to my guns.  With Perkins out for the Celtics, expect Pau to have a good game.  He won’t take the spotlight away from Kobe though, who will lead them to victory and get MVP honors.
• Stormin Norman (23-24) Lakers over Celtics: the Lakers are a different team at home, as was apparent in Game 6.  Pau and Ron-Ron play like the all-stars they are (or should be) and Kobe is just Kobe.  The Celtics miracle run has been impressive, but barring some sort of mammoth defensive effort by every single player on the team, this game, series, and championship belongs to the Lakers.

Friday 6/18 World Cup Group C Slovenia vs USA – 9 AM

• StevieY19 (30-17) USA over Slovenia: Damn, should have picked draw in the first match! Slovenia will be pressing for the win in this match, rather than try and get it vs England, to send them into the second round. Pressing and moving forward is not their style and a more possession-minded US starting 11 will cause problems for Slovenia. Big game for Michael Bradley.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (16-11) USA over Slovenia: Check for Altidore to have a huge game. Dude showed a lot of heart as well as skill and speed against England. He’ll be man of the match and help guide the US out of the group.
• South Side Sheik (25-22) USA over Slovenia: Algeria had their best striker sent off and all Slovenia could muster was a 1-0 win. The US is better all around and will be able to take full advantage of their depth in the midfield and up front to wear down the Slovenian side.
• Player to be Named Later (11-10) USA over Slovenia: USA was lucky to get 1 point in the draw against England as they were outplayed most of the game.  However, the US is a better team and they will be playing for the win in this game.  Look for US’s biggest stars, Donovan and Dempsey, to lead the US to victory.
• Stormin Norman (23-24) USA over Slovenia: This is the big win we need.  Coming off the impressive (i.e. lucky) tie with England, a win would give them 4 points and all but ensure they move on to the second round.  Howard’s rib may be broken, but it’s nothing a few painkiller shots can’t fix.

Lolla Song of the Week “Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear – Brooklyn sounds awesome

The sportsbook standings stay the same after last week’s predictions.  StevieY was the only one who got both games right, as he was the only one who foresaw the Flyers winning Game 4.  This week we check out a new avenue for your online sports betting - the World Cup!  It really is something that you should be excited about even if you don’t know a lot about soccer. 

6/10 Game 4 NBA Finals La Lakers @ Boston Celtics (Lakers lead series 2-1) – 8 PM

• StevieY19 (29-17) Celtics over Lakers: The Stern Rules trump the star factor. Too obvious if Boston wins down 3-1, so this will be the Celtics’ game.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (15-11) Celtics over Lakers: “I didn’t shoot bad, the ball just didn’t go in”- Ray Allen
• South Side Sheik (24-22) Celtics over Lakers: This will be a back and forth series. It’s just too hard for one team to put a streak together in this series. I don’t see the Lakers winning two in a row in Boston, and Ray Allen can’t lay another stink bomb like he did in Game 3.
• Player to be Named Later (10-10) Celtics over Lakers:  The Lakers are the better team.  I know they are, and they are going to win the series.  However, they will not win Game 4.  Fisher won’t play as good as he did in Game 3, and Ray Allen won’t play as poorly as he did.  It’s tough to win 2 in a row on the road, so Boston takes this one.
• Stormin Norman (23-23) Lakers over Celtics:  The Lake show won a huge game on the road despite a great performance from KG.  Ray Allen was 0-13 and I don’t think we will see that again, but even with him shooting well and playing at home, the Lakers are just too good and they won’t have many more bad games like they did in game 2 and 3.

6/12 World Cup Group C Matchup - England vs USA 1:30 PM

• StevieY19 (29-17) USA over England: I think this game is going to be a draw, but that’s no fun. Our defense sucks? So does England’s. They’ve given up a goal in every international match they’ve played since qualifying. The forwards for the US could not be more hot coming into the tournament either. England may have the advantage up top with Rooney, but the US has a decided advantage in goal. 3-2 USA.
• His Jesusness Shuttlesworth (15-11) England over USA: The US is fielding its worst cup team we’ve seen in over a decade. They’re in a fairly easy group and they should still make it out, but beating England? Forget about it. They don’t have the offensive firepower and their defense is weaker than ever with Onyewu at half-strength. Too many holes to beat a cup favorite in the Brits.
• South Side Sheik (24-22) USA over England: I think the Americans will have the edge in conditioning, as most of the Brits have had to slog through a grueling Premiership, Champions League and/or Europa Cup schedule that has led Fabio Capello to rest his players a great deal in the lead up to the World Cup. So long as the Americans can weather the first half and limit the chances for Rooney, they should be able to run at the British defense (sans Rio Ferdinand) and create with some fresh legs up top (Buddle, Findley, Gomez).
• Player to be Named Later (10-10) England over USA: It pains me to pick against our boys, it really does.  Like StevieY, I think that this game will end in a draw.  However, if I am forced to pick a winner I will take England.  This team is full of superstars who have enough talent to win the whole Cup.  Which ever team wins this game they will be in a great position to win the Group.
• Stormin Norman (23-23) USA over England: Soccer?  I’m not even going to pretend to know anything about this.  As usual, I will take the home team.  Landon Donovan is a guy, right?  Is Beckham on England?  Is soccer like foosball but on grass instead of a table?  Hopefully I’ll have read more previews before we have to pick the next soccer match so I can make an informed pick.

Lollapalooza SOTW – An awesome band called The Black Keys – “Tighten Up”  Dig it.

This video is just insane and needs no introduction.  I’d pick that girl to play on my soccer team, that’s for damn sure.

h/t: Adam

Our resident soccer expert, Black Rob, weighs in on last night’s USA-Mexico soccer. Had I not received this story from him, I probably wouldn’t have even known there was a game. Here it is:

Rob will be our regular (maybe) soccer analyst and fan. He is especially qualified for the job because of his love for the game and minority status. Enjoy!

Because I was too lazy to write a preview of last night’s Chicago Fire game, I’ve decided to save the analysis until next week’s conference final match-up and address a more light-hearted issue today: fans.

I was at last nights game, and while enjoying the 3-0 beatdown the Fire put on the Revs (avenging last years playoff loss to them…and the year before that…and the year before that…), I came to the realization that the American soccer fan is a better fan than any other major sports fan in this country. Seriously, we’re more knowledgeable about the game and its nuances, more loyal to our hometown teams, and funnier.

For example, last night, even the average (i.e. non-Ultra, non-Hooligan, non-Firm) fan in the stadium last night knew when to cheer for a player that ran 60-yards towards his own goal to make a hard tackle in the middle of the field. Hardly sexy, game changing stuff, but that’s the kind of attitude that leads to very sexy 3-0 playoff victories…and the average soccer fan knows and appreciates this. Additionally, there’s the mock-cheers for awful shots, the mild applause for good attacks that don’t quite work out, and the notable absence of a stupid PA announcer (“Pump! It! Up! Chicago!), cheerleaders, and cheesy jock-rock (“WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!!) amid all the action. This is almost 100% self-motivated.

This brings me to my favorite part, the chants. Imagine entire sections of the stadium belting out these gems:

Every time the opposing goalie runs up to take a goal kick – “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” goalie makes contact with the ball – “You suck asshole!!”

When Chris Rolfe is subbed out of the game after a 1 goal, 1 assist performance – “Chris Roooolfe played great tonight!! Chris Rooooolfe is getting laid tonight!!”

70 minutes into the 3-0 ass-whooping – “Chiiiii-town Beeeeatdown, Chiiiii-town Beeeeatdown.”

And that’s just a brief sample. Sound fun? Then go support the Fire (if they snag home-field advantage) next Thursday. Sound stupid? Then go see for yourself how wrong you are. On to more serious stuff next week.