Sammy Sosa Becomes Vampire, Still Can’t Hit Outside Pitch [Theories on the "New" Sammy]
As many of you have seen and heard, Sammy Sosa showed up at the Latin Grammys Person of the Year event recently looking a little different. The Dominican Dracula, as I am now calling him, claims he has had some sort of treatment on his skin that makes it look lighter than before:
“He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin,” Polihronis said. “Women have it all of the time. He was surprised he came out looking so white. I thought it was a body double. Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting.
“He is in the middle of doing a cleansing process to his skin. The picture is deceiving. He said, ‘If you saw me in person, you would be surprised. When you see me in person, it is not going to seem like the picture.”
Okay, I buy it. There has also been some speculation that the steroids may have caused it. I could buy that too. No explanation has come out yet regarding the green contacts, though.
I would like to posit a few theories about the “new” Sammy.
Sosa Theory 1: When he was hit by a baseball in the head, he didn’t actually survive that. A bat bit him and he was reborn as a vampire. After realizing he couldn’t play during the day anymore, he was traded to a team that had significantly more night games and where he could play DH and not have to stand out in the sun. The zombie theory is similar to this as well.
Sosa Theory 2: He’s an alien. This theory was out there for Michael Jackson too, but is it so crazy? His eyes magically changed colors and his skin has mysteriously gone back to its original pale alien color and you’re telling me the guy is human? And even if he did take steroids, what he did with his bat in the 1990s was pretty out of this world (you see what I did there? I’m the king of the shitty double entendre).
Sosa Theory 3: Sammy Sosa is a robot. He never was a real living being. The Tribune company created him in 1996 and named him after some skinny light-hitting White Sox player who mysteriously disappeared after a brief stint in Texas.
Sosa Theory 4: Or the skin treatment thing I guess, but that theory is lame as hell.