Joakim Noah’s Hair Has Literally Condemned Him To Hell
Some crazy religious Baptist church has been in the news of late for the upcoming release of their new book. The Amazing Grace Baptist Church in North Carolina is quite the organization. Their website goes on and on about how all kinds of athletes and celebrities are going to hell for various reasons. Of the funniest athlete ones, most make sense. One of them stands out as sort of odd though. See if you can guess which one:
Marko Jaric: Engaged to the Victoria’s Secret supermodel (porn magazing) Adriana Lima.
Richard Petty: As a public figure Richard Petty makes it clear that the two most important things in his life are his family and his fans. “I don’t particularly tell my guys to cheat. I just tell them not to get caught.” Richard Petty’s god is racing, not God Almighty. He teaches that is okay in life to cheat just don’t get caught doing it. Is Richard Petty your idol?
Joakim Noah: Has long hair, which is disobedient to the Word of God.
Adam Archuleta: Engaged to a Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott. They have one son. This is called fornication, and we all know what their son is called, the same thing the Bible calls him.
Matt Leinart: Matt is telling your people all over this world that it okay to drink, be immodest, and to be in an sexual situation with more than one girl. He is teaching teenagers not to save themselves for their spouse, but to live it up because you only live life once. Is Matt your idol?
Torrie Wilson: Committed an abomination by kissing a female wrester “Sable” on the lips.
Tom Brady: Tom Brady has an unwed child, but it’s okay because he wins Super Bowls….Tom Brady is teaching us to have sex outside of marriage, to commit fornication, don’t marry and do the right thing, don’t take responsibility for your actions, have a good time no matter who you hurt in this world, go from sex partner to sex partner, and it’s okay because of who I am. How many of you dad’s cheer on Tom in the Super Bowl while your kids are watching?
If you said Joakim Noah you’re right! I’d say pretty much anyone who has ever seen Noah, whether they like him or not, has thought his hair just looked god-awful (get the pun there?). Little did we know that his hair was literally a sin and would land him in hell. I always assumed it was the drugs and the pounding his chest after layups that would be what led him to Satan’s realm. Guess I was wrong.
And one more thing. Victoria’s Secret is NOT a porn magazine. It’s art!! (and a catalogue, but mostly art)
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Comments
Pingback from Friday’s Missing Links | Inside the Iggles | A Philadelphia Eagles Blog
Time October 16, 2009 at 12:49 pm
[...] Joakim Noah is going to hell. (Not Qualified To Comment) [...]
Pingback from Friday, October 16: | FanSided
Time October 16, 2009 at 1:16 pm
[...] Noah’s Hairy Highway to Hell. The Amazing Grace Baptist Church thinks the Bulls forward is due to be condemned to eternal damnation for having long hair. But not for his [...]
Comment from Sooze
Time October 16, 2009 at 4:49 pm
As a Christian, I agree with Zoner. Besides, Jesus’ hair was out of control.
Comment from Stormin’ Norman Disciple
Time October 16, 2009 at 4:53 pm
If bad hair gets you to hell, I’ll see guys there. I haven’t brushed mine since I was 15.
Pingback from Sports on the Web | Gunaxin
Time October 17, 2009 at 2:30 pm
[...] Joakim Noah’s hair has literally condemned him to hell [Not Qualified to Comment] [...]
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Comment from Zoner
Time October 16, 2009 at 12:41 pm
As a Christian, I find this to be offensive. Not your post; the utter ignorance of this church. I’m no biblical scholar, but surely they should know the difference between the 3 types of laws in the old testament. They make some good points because the Bible says “All have fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23) I believe we are all fallen and in need of salvation. But it’s not because of our long hair.